Hollywood, CA (APE) - "Blackman, the Dark Knight" America's latest ballot box office smash hit featuring newcomer Barack Obama was knocked out of the top slot this past weekend. "Epic Blunder ", a new dark comedy of errors featuring the triple threat comic genius of old-school Republican celebrities Dick Cheney, George W. Bush, and presumptive president John McCain knocked the Dark Knight out of the top slot this weekend despite dismal showings of $21 million versus over $56 million for the month of July.

Denver, CO (APE) - Democrats today announced that they would be handing out free matchboxes and candles emblazoned with "McCain Energy Plan" to participants attending the national convention.  The gimmick appears to be in response to the recent release of tire pressure gauges by the GOP emblazoned with "Obama Energy Plan".

Jose Padilla, Dr. Bruce Ivins (inset)


With the recent apparent suicide of Army anthrax expert Dr. Bruce Ivins, the FBI appears to be ready to draw to a close their investigation of the anthrax attacks which terrorized America after 9/11 in September and October of 2001.  The swirling controversies and seemingly bungled investigation of Dr. Ivins, and his death will likely fuel more questions and conspiracy theories than we will ever have any hope of shedding light upon... my thoughts here are probably not going to help.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MRS. CYNDI MCCAIN

"And how fucking dare anyone out there make fun of John McCain, after all he's been through!  He loves his country... he's been through a few divorces! He has, God knows how many fucking kids... he's a user and a cheater and he's been through so many custody battles! All you people care about is Obama and giving money to him...HE’S A MUSLIM!!!"

"There is no short term solution," Bush said. "The president doesn't have a magic wand. You can't just say, 'Low gas.'"

"I readily concede it won't produce a barrel of oil tomorrow, but it will reverse the psychology," Bush told a White House news conference in regards to reversing his father’s ban on offshore drilling.

"You don't have time to think as president... if you think, we're all dead."

On December 12, 2000, the United States Supreme Court established an elite fool from the bottom one percent as Supreme Commander. The purpose was to enrich the lost art of artificial combat and insure that a handful of men and women from the worst law schools in the nation were awarded the best jobs in the world. They succeeded. Today the Republican Party calls it Talking Points Encounter Group. The pundits call it Gop Con.

Pee Dee the Pirate salutes the Obama campaign from East Carolina University!


Greetings Mateys... from my little slice of heaven, called Greenville, North Carolina! I often tell people that Greenville isn't the end of the world but you can see it from here... and guess what? Barack Obama payed us a visit today!!! He filled Williams Arena at Minges coliseum, promptly hoisting the no quarter flag and pledging to force John McCain to walk the plank in November! It was pretty cool to have the Obama logo, at lease for a day, changed to purple and gold!

It has always been extraordinary to me the language that people often resort to under stress. I really had to do a double take when Hillary, a very admirable democratic politician, to my disappointment fell back on the term "misspoke" after being caught red-handed in what appears to be some major embellishment that is threatening to "dry rot" the carefully crafted foundation of the "commander-in-chief threshold" put forth by her campaign.  I happen to agree with Keith Olbermann who said last night, in effect, that she and her campaign had missed the narrow window of opportunity of simply addressing the incident with a "whoops, you got me!" humorous moment.

A visibly shaken Arizona Senator John McCain set to disembark helicopter that was nearly shot down over Baghdad Green Zone


Baghdad, Iraq (APE)- "Boy, to quote Chairman Mao, it's always darkest before everything fades to black," exclaimed a shaken Republican Presidential candidate, Arizona Senator John McCain. McCain's helicopter was nearly shot down as it rose from the Green Zone in Iraq for a fact finding flight over the streets of Baghdad. Also aboard were other members of his presidential campaign staff, senators Lindsay Graham, R-SC, and Joe Lieberman I-CT.

Horton becomes the latest icon elephant mascot to abandon the GOP


Hollywood, CA (O! Online) - Appearing at a joint press conference with Hollywood CG megastar Donkey, of Shrek fame, iconic elephant Horton today announced that he would be abandoning the Republican Party and has joined Donkey in supporting the Democratic Party, and Illinois Senator Barak Obama. Horton is using the recent release of his latest CG film, Horton Hears a Who as a platform to educate the public as to what has been described as a long history of betrayal of elephants in American society at the hands of the GOP since the animal was first tapped as a party mascot by cartoonist Thomas Nast in 1874. Horton Hears a Who debuted yesterday to gushing praise from critics and moviegoers, promising to be the top grossing film for the coming weekend.

President Bush yesterday declared AZ Senator John McCain his heir apparent and a "Made Man"


Washington, DC (Rotters) - White House reporters yesterday were subjected to an impromptu jig by the president as Arizona Senator John McCain was roughly 15 minutes late for his own formal endorsement ceremony. No explanations for the Senator's tardiness were forthcoming, but a McCain campaign spokesperson vehemently denied rumors that the hold up was over White House Security' s reported discovery of a covert recording device found on the Senator. "That's just silly, and frankly a dangerous allegation to make", stated the spokesperson.

I will preface my remarks by saying, clearly and unequivocably, I will vote for and enthusiastically support whoever winds up with the Democratic nomination in November.

As a relatively unbiased observer of this fascinating race thus far, I would like to pose the above question.

For the last two days there has been a real outrage over the internets about a questionable video in which a young Marine is shown delightfully throwing a small puppy off of a cliff, and presumably to its death. There is an ongoing debate as to whether or not the video was real or faked.  In either case, it's really in bad taste, and makes a mockery of people's natural good feelings toward small animals. I won't link to the video here but if your curiosity has the better of you, simply Google or YouTube "Marine throws puppy"...

The Pill Cam Tornado Chaser braces for deployment during an Oklahoma Super Cell


Midland, Texas (APE) - Scientists across the ever widening "Tornado Alley" are resorting to newer, more high-tech interventions in their quest to understand and control super storms which have recently been shown to be largely centered around the lowly bacteria. Responsible for some of the most powerful and destructive tornadoes, blizzards, and now possibly hurricanes, researchers are sounding the alarm that many of these storms' bacteria are showing increasing levels of drug-resistant. The drug resistance is so severe, according to some researchers, that the ultimate strategy for antibiotic seeding of clouds to control and regulate the power of these storms may prove unrealistic.

President Bush and Homeland Security Director Michael Chertoff speak in regards to emerging Las Vegas ricin incident.


Washington, DC (Rotters) - President Bush, appearing with Homeland security Director Michael Chertoff early this morning at a White House press conference, officially elevated the national terror alert system to the color code Orange, representing a high probability for terrorist activities. The elevation came in response to the presumed discovery of the highly toxic chemical ricin at a Las Vegas motel late yesterday.

Willie Cunningham offering his services to Hillary Clinton prior to a campaign appearance in Cleveland


Cleveland,OH (UPSI) - After a dustup yesterday with Senator John McCain's campaign, conservative Cincinnati radio talk show host Willie Cunningham reported for duty as promised to the Hillary Clinton campaign. He offered to serve as a warm-up for a scheduled Clinton campaign appearance in downtown Cleveland today, and stated that he would offer his formal endorsement on stage with her. The Clinton campaign reportedly turned down his offer at the last minute, stating that they rejected his endorsement.

02/15/08 Putin Claims Russia has Shot Down Wayward US Spy Satellite



Russian President Vladimir Putin displays a photo of downed spy satellite fuel tank


Moscow, Russia (Rotters) - Russian President Vladimir Putin today announced that he had authorized the successful shoot down of a wayward US Army spy satellite. The mission was accomplished with a Russian ASAT missile which was launched by a MiG31. He stated that physicists had calculated the strike so that any remaining debris would merely rain down on the vast uninhabited portions of Russia, minimizing the risk to humans. As proof, Putin offered a picture of one of the destroyed satellite's controversial fuel tanks that had made it through reentry virtually intact.

Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia (Audio posted at BBC and NPR)

"It seems to me you have to say, as unlikely as that is, it would be absurd to say you couldn't, I don't know, stick something under the fingernail, smack him in the face. It would be absurd to say you couldn't do that,"

40th President Ronald Reagan considering run to become 44th


Bel-Air, CA (Rotters) - Ronald Wilson Reagan, the 40th president of the United States today announced from his home mausoleum in Bel-Air California that he would be forming an exploratory committee to investigate the possibility of his late entry into the 2008 Republican presidential race. The committee will be headed up by right-wing pundits Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter and is widely viewed as a rebellion from the extremist conservative wing of the party over their dissatisfaction of current front runner Arizona Senator John McCain.